Bob Graham Round #2: Goals and Purpose
It’s been almost a month since my Bob Graham Round, but Kirk Fell is still seared into my memory.
The daunting sight of the impossibly steep gulley leading up to the summit, filled with reddish earth and loose scree.
The sound of the rocks moving beneath me as I trudged ever higher, and of my pacer Emma breathing hard behind me.
The pain in my feet, calves, quads and entire core after 17+ hours and 33 peaks of hard graft.
But my most vivid memory is of the overwhelming emotion of the moment. I was so completely broken; desperate for the suffering to end and genuinely scared about the prospect of having to endure this level of pain for another 4-5 hours. But above all else, as I began one of the hardest climbs on the entire Round, I remember feeling an intense surge of motivation that - weirdly - made me want to cry.
I was exactly where I wanted to be, testing myself to the limit in the fells I loved with like-minded people. I was relentlessly attacking my 22 hour schedule to claw back the time I’d lost on leg 3. And, most of all, I was remembering my friend and training buddy James Thompson, the guy who introduced me to the hills before being killed in Afghanistan 17 years ago.
What I was experiencing in that moment was the culmination of weeks of mental preparation, in which I’d refined and rehearsed how I was choosing to respond when the shit hit the fan. This was probably the most well-executed part of my mental game plan for the Bob Graham, and I’m excited to do a deep dive on the topic because I think it’s an area many athletes neglect or cock up in their race prep.
To kick us off, there’s a big difference between ‘what’ we want, and ‘why’ we want it.
‘What’ we want is our goal; our end-state; it’s how we define success. If the process of training and racing is a journey, our goal is the destination. Some goals are defined by self-improvement, learning, or level of effort (process goals). Others are defined by clear outcomes like finishing times or positions (performance goals). There’s a place for both types, but generally process goals relate to higher levels of motivation and resilience. This is because they keep you in the present moment, focus your attention on controllable things, bring you intrinsic fulfilment, and help you execute your race strategy.
Lesson 1: performance goals are useful, but process goals are essential. Don’t neglect the process.
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For my Bob Graham, I had a very clear performance ‘A’ goal of a sub-22hr Round, which I set after extensive recces and previous attempts. It was well outside of my comfort zone, but still realistic. I also had ‘B’ and ‘C’ performance goals, plus as a series of process goals around navigation, fuelling, pacing and maintaining a resilient mindset.
I kept a laser focus on my process goals at all times, even if I occasionally failed to achieve them - especially around pacing and nutrition! My performance goal was different though: I’d consciously use it when I needed a positive kick up the arse, or when I was making time up on my schedule. However, when I was losing time or struggling, I popped it in my mental ‘back pocket’ to focus on the process goals again. This prevented the performance goal from ever becoming a cause of anxiety. It was always a carrot, and never a stick. Most importantly, it was just a fun way of getting the most out of myself: it was never life-or-death, even if it looked that way to my pacers at times.
It’s worth noting that the skill of choosing which goal to focus on comes with practice… In a future post I’ll talk about the unhooking techniques I use to ‘let go’ of performance goals when they aren’t serving me.
Lesson 2: consciously decide how and when you’ll use your goals; either for motivation, or to remain grounded in the present moment.
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I’ve covered the ‘what’ (goals), but not the ‘why’. This refers to our underlying motivations to do a given thing; it’s our purpose. Going back to the ‘journey’ analogy, if the goal is the destination, the purpose is everything that gets us where we want to go. It’s not just the petrol in the car, but the car itself. The ‘why’ is that important.
However, purpose is arguably the part that most athletes - and me especially - get wrong at some point in our running careers, so there are a lot of considerations when getting this bit nailed!
Firstly: how healthy is your why? I used to talk a good game about exploring my limits and immersing myself in nature, but deep down I competed to fix a deep lack of self-worth and survivor guilt after a shitty first tour of Afghanistan - and maybe, perversely, to try to replicate the wild challenges of that life-changing experience.
Sometimes our motivations can seem positive, but below the surface they come from a place of fear or resentment. These motivations can often work well for us in the short term, but eventually they weaken our resolve and can even break us. It’s sometimes scary to really think about why we do what we do, but it’s an essential first step to becoming more resilient when the chips are down. This is where coaching comes in handy: I’ve benefited from both expert coaching and psychotherapy to redefine my purpose, and the training I’ve subsequently undertaken in both areas helps me do the same for others.
Lesson 3: really think deeply about your motivations - both for your specific event, and your sport more generally. Why do you love it? What about it enables you to push yourself? What do you want from it? What brings you fulfilment? Be curious and non-judgemental. Or, find a coach who can help you…
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At the risk of stating the obvious, this kind of intense thought exercise shouldn’t be done the night before your race - or worse still, when deep in the pain cave at mile 60!
The Bob has been on my bucket list since 2005, so I’ve had plenty of time to consider what it means to me. What’s more, I’ve spent countless hours over the last few years redefining why I run - so I’m solid in that respect too. What I did particularly well in prep for this attempt was to visualise how and when I’d lean on certain motivations. I imagined what would resonate best if my 22hr schedule was down the drain, how I’d overcome the discomfort of a bad niggle, poor weather, lack of self-belief, and everything else in between. I also considered how I’d choose to respond if nothing was having the desired effect (which happened to be: rely on self-discipline, and a belief that “it will all work itself out in the end” - which is usually true).
Lesson 4: spend time in advance of your event nailing your ‘why’, and visualising how and when it might keep you moving.
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My final reflection on goals and purpose is that they can unwittingly be an achilles heel for many athletes. People think that they’re clear on why they’re competing but, when things get tough, all of the factors I’ve written about here become the cause of their performance anxiety, rather than the thing that keeps them moving.
If you’ve ever gone into a dark place after your pre-race goal slip out of reach, questioning why you even run, and worrying over what people will think of your impending DNF: I get it. I’ve been there. But with some preparation, soul-searching, and the realisation that you choose how to respond in times of hardship, rather than merely reacting on autopilot, you can turn this stuff into a superpower.
Despite being one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, the memories of climbing Kirk Fell will forever bring me satisfaction and peace. It was the moment that I knew my goal was within reach, but more importantly it reinforced why I love to challenge myself in the mountains.